We Are Not Dating

I don’t know how I didn’t post this earlier.  For those of you who haven’t seen this, pay special attention to the nurse. Hurry up and watch it before Mel makes me take it down!

-Jim

I’m a pretty nice friend.  I never made a copy of Jim’s car keys and filled his car with balled up newspaper.  I never posted pictures of him and another friend in the same spandex figure skating outfit on the internet and polled people to see who was hotter. I hung out with him despite the super awesome things he did to me, and I did it all with a smile on my face.

No more.  Today is the day I start revealing Jim’s secrets.  Considering the number of years we’ve been friends, and the number of things I’ve seen him do and heard him tell me, I have a lot of secrets stored up.  This is volume one.

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but Jim is a tranny.

It’s true!  And I have proof.

While we were on a snorkeling adventure in Cozumel in April, we were standing around a catamaran discussing why toes are “weird,” and out of nowhere, Jim held up his hand, displaying his fingers.

“Do you know how to spot a tranny?” Jim asked us.  “When someone’s pointer finger is shorter than their ring finger, they’re a tranny.”

Now, I have no idea if this is true or not. I read something about the amount of testosterone in your body having an effect on this, but I’m way too lazy to research it any more than that. Try it out for yourself.  Depending on which way my hand is positioned, sometimes my pointer finger is shorter, and sometimes it’s longer, so who knows.

It’s possible he was talking about men versus women.  However, one thing to note, he did not say “Do you know how to tell if someone is a man or a woman?”  He specifically said, “Do you know how to spot a tranny??”

What I do know is this…there is only one reason Jim would bring this up.  I don’t know about you guys, but to me this sounds like a confession.  Something he’s been holding inside for a long time, yet hasn’t quite been able to tell his friends.  Something that he is dying to let out, but didn’t know the best way to tell anyone.   Please take a closer look at this picture, and consider his above statement.

“When someone’s pointer finger is shorter than their ring finger, they’re a tranny.”

Turns out, Jim is a tranny.  He likes to wear women’s clothing.

On his head.

Dear Bular,

Let’s be honest, we all knew this day was coming. The only hard part was deciding which mean thing I have done to you to write about today. Remember that one time you called me in the morning because someone toilet papered your minivan and filled it up with crumpled up newspaper and you were sure it was me? Remember how you were SURE you locked your doors the previous night? Remember how I denied knowing anything about it? I’m pretty sure you knew I was involved, though I never confessed, but I don’t think you appreciate the effort we put into it. This is what actually happened:

I forget the reason exactly, but I do remember you having it coming for some reason. This was certainly an act of revenge. Remember how you worked at JC Pennys with Matty P? Well, on the day we came up with your plan for revenge I was working at Super One and Matty was working with you at Pennys. The plan was to have Matty steal your keys at work and have April pick them up, make a copy, and bring them back. It was pretty flawless. Matty got them back before you had a clue. I remember April asking me why she had to go pick up keys from Matty and I just offered to pay her not to ask any more questions. It was a done deal.

Now that we had your keys we figured we could super-vandalize your van. I grabbed the paper recycling from my parents house and we were on our way! We figured the job would take a while, so we had two scouts camping out at the bottom of the hill with walkie-talkies to tell us if anyone was on their way up.

When we first got to your car we thought it would be easy.  Joey H and I piled in the back with the huge recycling container and just started crumpling up newspapers and tossing them around. It didn’t take us long to realize this was going to be an interesting process. We soon found ourselves buried up to our chests in paper in the back of a minivan. To make matters worse, we then got word on the walkies that a cop was on his way up the hill…

I’m not exactly sure what happened next, because all I know is that 1. I Panicked 2. I probably screamed like a girl and 3. I dove head-first into the pool of newspaper and hid.

A couple minutes later when I got the nerves to peek up I saw the coast was clear. The walkie confirmed that the cop had come back down the hill and we were back in business. In a couple minutes the minivan was filled to maximum capacity and i couldn’t even see Joe anymore. This was the first time we realized we had no exit strategy and figured our only out was to try to squeeze out a door without having too much paper fall out. I would actually pay good money to go back and see me squeeze out your car door and fall on my face in a pile of crumpled up newspaper in your front yard at 3am.

We quickly shoved what paper would could back in the minivan and called up the crew to TP and saran wrap your car. Being that we did that pretty much every week, it was a quick process and we were on our way.

Mission Complete.

So… in conclusion… you did actually remember to lock your car doors that night. But you would be crazy to think that would be enough to stop us

Sincerely,

Jim

P.S. When my mom was thankful that I emptied the recycling I told her “Amber helped”

Dear Blogosphere….it has been awhile.  I am very sorry to have disappointed our loyal readers (Pony and Mitch.)  Because it has been so long, there are many things I would like to deem grate/not grate today, so I’ll just get started.

THINGS THAT ARE GRATE:

Birthdays!! Birthdays are GRATE, once you get over the fact that you are OLD.  If you can get past that fact, and move on to OTHER important facts, like free shots….then you’re golden.  Don’t want to do something?  Someone else will do it for you, because it’s your BIRTHDAY!  My sister cleaned our apartment JUST BECAUSE.  It was GRATE.  Want a drink?  No one is going to make you pay for a drink on your birthday, whether it’s the bartender, or one of your friends.  Want to update twitter drunkenly and say stupid things without anyone thinking less of you?  Go ahead, it’s your birthday!  And the best ever - want people to wear a shirt with a picture of your face on it?  NO PROBLEM, it’s your birthday!  (suckers)

Pedal Pubs!! How have we never rented one of these before?  Pedal pubs are AMAZING.  We rented one for my birthday, which was grate in itself (see above).  Basically, it’s a portable pub that you move by pedaling it like a bike.  Hook up a keg, pump some music, get a bunch of friends, and pedal around town like fools!  [[Sidenote: it is considerably more fun if you all wear stupid shirts, party hats, and make balloon animals while riding.]] By the time you’re done pedaling, someone will be drunk enough to run around in circles, and everyone’s butts will hurt, unless you were lucky enough to score a non-pedaling seat (see also: IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY).  Check it out here!

Beerfest!! This is another thing I had never heard about until this year.  Beerfest is put on by CityPages, held in a parking lot, and full of beer drinkers.  You pay some money, get a cup, and walk around to stands filled with different beer vendors that let you try their beer.  Like one a lot?  Get right back in line and get more!  Hate one?  Dump it on the ground!  Wanna check your blood alcohol content?  There’s a little machine [[sidenote, .35 isn’t healthy, is it??]] Have to pee?  Well, you’re going to have to plan ahead for that one, because the line for the Biffys are unreal.  Want free stuff?  All of the vendors want you to remember their beer, so they’re handing out free stuff like it’s their job! (Wait…it might be their job.)  Either way, Beerfest was amazing, a true drunken day, and I will for sure be attending it next year because it is GRATE.

Now, onto things that are NOT GRATE.  I have a long list of those, but I will spare you, and only discuss 2, mostly because I’m lazy.

THINGS THAT ARE NOT GRATE:

Sunburns. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but I’m a GINGER.  This means many things, but the most important thing at the moment is that if I don’t wear sunscreen on a summer day, there is potential for me to sunburn like you wouldn’t believe.  A couple of weekends ago I spent 2 hours on a Minneapolis rooftop, in a swimsuit, thinking about reaching for my sweatshirt because the wind was so cold.  I had sunscreen in my bag, but since it was so windy and I couldn’t FEEL the sun, I didn’t think I needed it.  Plus, I spent 4 days on a cruise in the Gulf of Mexico and Jim got WAY more sunburnt than I did, I thought maybe I was invincible!!! I woke up the next morning with the most painful sunburn I’ve had in years.  I spent the entire next week wishing to be soaking in a bathtub full of ice, wishing to not have to wear a bra ever again (straps are painful), and wishing that I could stay in one place without moving any part of my body.  Now that it’s gone, I’m stuck peeling pieces of my skin off in chunks (sexy).  I guess that’s what I get for being a ginger.

Speidi. I hate that I even care about Speidi.  Me caring proves that they are ridiculous and that they WON, and that makes me hate them even more.  If you have no idea who I am talking about, I worship you, because you’ve managed to avoid the single most annoying couple in the entire world.  They started out on the “reality” show The Hills, and now have moved on to other ventures, like the ridiculous, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.  It’s a show where NBC throws some “celebrities” into the jungle and makes them eat insects and do dumb stuff.  Every week you get to vote someone off.  Sounds a lot like a rip off of Survivor, the Surreal Life, and American Idol mixed.  So far, Speidi (Spencer and Heidi Pratt) have quit twice, threatened to quit a few more, ran around PRAISING JESUS, gotten baptized by Steven Baldwin (wtf?) in the river, held onto dry shampoo like it was the last Prada bag on earth, and driven everyone crazy, including myself.  The highlight so far? (I am so ashamed that I watch this show)  Heidi singing and Janice Dickenson telling her she sounded like a drowning cat.  Amazing.  What is wrong with me? I just wrote about Heidi and Spencer.  This is why I don’t blog.

However, one last note.  Heidi can’t muppet.  Sucker.

THE END.

Today is Amber’s Birthday!!!

Today she is officially old!

P.S.  I didn’t get you a present

Yea… take a second to read that again. I know I once called KFC the most glorious food franchise of all time. I know I once said “their food tastes like a gift from the heavens delivered by angels.” I am here to tell you why KFC ISN’T grate anymore. I am not happy about it.

Let’s go back in time a couple days. As some of you may know (though fewer people than I expected had a clue), KFC recently offered a deal where you can go online and print out a coupon for a free grilled chicken meal. Their whole point was to show the world that KFC is changing their fried ways and now can be a healthy alternative (yawn). You then had until May 19th to redeem the coupon.

Naturally, because I was unemployed at the time… and actually sitting on the couch when I heard the news, I was alllllll over this! I jumped on the computer and started printing out coupons. I figured with some careful planning I could actually eat EVERY SINGLE meal from May 6th to May 19th at KFC if I just rotated between the 4 that are near my house and didn’t give them a reason to remember me. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I had a mission. Unfortunately my plan was quickly foiled when the KFC website was slower than an old lady in the carpool lane and I realized it would take forever to get more than 1 or 2 coupons. They actually did a good job at making it extremely inconvenient to get more than a couple coupons (I had to switch IP addresses for every 4 I printed). Eventually, I decided to settle on 13 coupons for free meals, with the option to print off more if the employees didn’t check the barcodes carefully.

Anyways, I went back to work shortly after and only got 1 chance to stop in for my free food. Then, a mere few days after the promotion began, they decided to end the whole thing!!! HOW DO THEY THINK THEY CAN DO THAT!?!?! Of course, to make it better, they decided to give everyone a raincheck on their coupon. So now, all you have to do is go to your local KFC, pick up a form, fill out the form, put it in an envelope with your current coupon, put a stamp on the envelope, and put it in the mail. You will receive a new coupon in the mail in about 6 weeks. WHAT!?!?!?! SERIOUSLY!?!?!!?!?! What are the odds that I would ever do that much work? 100000000 to 1? Having a coupon for something now isn’t the same as having to fill out forms for a rain check in the future! Future Jim never seems to be as hungry as I am now! How dare they take advantage of my laziness?!? It is that same laziness that kept me eating their food everyday! Basically, the offer is done and is now worthless to me. All my hard work to get around their rules was for nothing, and I hate them for it.

Ok, and I want to be 100% honest with you. All of this stuff happened and I was still sort of cool with KFC. It simply wasn’t enough to make me stop LOVING their popcorn chicken. However, last night they crossed the line. I pulled in to KFC at 9:45pm to get some tender chicken love…. and I was met with a “I’m sorry, but our drive thru closes at 8:00.” OH MY GOD! NO WAY DO THEY MAKE ME GO INSIDE!

And that’s it.  I now hate KFC and probably will forever. They betrayed me, and I will never forget it.

The End.

Jim got his snuggie.

He got it with the promise to start writing again.  Since he is now employed again, for a bit anyway, he promises this blog post will come soon.  Don’t give up on us yet!

After almost a month of enjoying the wonderful world of unemployment, I am going back to work tomorrow. CRAP!

Though this does mean I will be back to blogging again…

Dear Jim,

You suck at blogging.  You will not receive your snuggie until you blog again.  I will give it to Nana.  Don’t tempt me.

Love,

Bular

P.S. Check out this website, it is GRATE!! http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/